Helpful Tools

• Property Spreadsheet
• Income Expense Chart
• Reading List

Property Spreadsheet

The two of you can divide your property and debts any way you want--if you do it by agreement. If you don’t agree, you will have a hearing and the judge will decide how to divide things up.

Even if you agree, however, you probably want to do so only after learning what would happen if the judge were making the decision. Otherwise you might be agreeing to something based on a misunderstanding of your legal rights. Know your rights before making any final decisions. If you then decide to accept less than you’re entitled to, that’s your business. But don’t accept less out of ignorance.

So how do you know what a judge would do? The chart below is intended to explain that. If you were going to court, you would both separately fill out a chart similar to the one below, listing your assets and debts, their values, and how you think they should be divided. After listening to all the testimony, the judge would then determine a fair division of your estate.

Must the judge divide the community estate evenly? No. The judge can give one party more than half--and often does--if that party has a lower earning ability or has been harmed by the other’s abuse, mismanagement of funds, or other egregious behavior.

So the first decision you must make is what percentage of the estate you should each receive--50/50, 60/40, or what?

Then fill in your property and debts and their present values. For property, that means determining what that asset would sell for today, not what you paid for it. Then you put the net value of the asset or debt in the column of the spouse you think should take it.

Here’s how it looks for one couple:

EXAMPLE OF PROPOSED DIVISION OF PROPERTY

Community Property

INCOME/EXPENSE CHART

Most divorcing people are worried about how their income and expenses will match up when they’re on their own. This chart is designed to help you figure that out.

First list your own income and deductions to determine your take-home each month. Then estimate your monthly expenses (after separation) for each of the categories listed. I’ve tried to cover everything, but there are some blanks in case I’ve left out something. Also list any monthly credit card payments for existing debts that you may be paying off, add up your total expenses, and then subtract them from your take-home pay.

This exercise is very helpful before you talk to your spouse about child support, property division, or alimony. First know what you really need every month to get by.

(A)	GROSS MONEY EARNED PER MONTH:
	(1)	Gross wages and salary income	$______
	(2)	Commissions, tips and bonuses	$______
	(3)	Self-employment income (net of expenses other than depreciation and tax credits)	$______
	(4)	Rental income (net of expenses other than depreciation)	$______
	(5)	All other income actually received (specify): _____________________________ _____________________________	$______
		GROSS MONEY EARNED PER MONTH		$______(A)
(B)	ACTUAL DEDUCTIONS PER MONTH
	(1)	Income tax withholding	$________
	(2)	FICA (Social Security)	$________
	(3)	Health Insurance	$________
	(4)	Union dues	$________
	(5)	Other (Specify): _____________________________	$________
		_____________________________	$________
		TOTAL ACTUAL DEDUCTIONS PER MONTH		$______(B)
(C)		NET MONEY ACTUALLY RECEIVED PER MONTH. SUBTRACT (B) FROM (A).		$______(C)
(D)	TOTAL MONEY NEEDED PER MONTH BY ME AND MINOR CHILD(REN) LIVING WITH ME. For items which are not paid monthly, express the amount as a monthly average.
(1)	Rent or house payment		$________
(2)	Real property taxes (omit if part of house payment)		$________
(3)	Resident maint. (repairs, yard)		$________
(4)	Insurance - home or rent (omit if part of house payment)		$________
(5)	Utilities - Gas		$________
(6)	Utilities - Electric and Water		$________
(7)	Telephone (incl. avg. long dist.)		$________
(8)	Utilities - Garbage service		$________
(9)	Groceries and household items		$________
(10)	Meals away from home		$________
(11)	School lunches		$________
(12)	Dental and orthodontial		$________
(13)	Medical and prescriptions		$________
(14)	Laundry and dry cleaning		$________
(15)	Car payment		$________
(16)	Gas and vehicle maintenance		$________
(17)	Clothing		$________
(18)	Insurance - Car		$________
(19)	Insurance - Life		$________
(20)	Insurance - Health (omit if payroll deduction)		$________
(21)	Child care		$________
(22)	Children's activities		$________
(23)	Entertainment		$________
(24)	Haircuts		$________
(25)	Cable TV and newspaper		$________
(26)	Total monthly payments on debts (list below at E and only show total here)		$________
(27)	Support or alimony payments to other persons (not this family)		$________
(28)	Other (specify):
	Miscellaneous		$________
	Gifts		$________
	Vacations		$________
	Books and magazines		$________
	Summer camp		$________
	_____________________________		$________
	_____________________________		$________
		TOTAL MONEY NEEDED PER MONTH		$______(D)
(E)	TOTAL MONTHLY PAYMENTS ON OTHER DEBTS:
Date of Final Pmt.		Description of Debt (e.g. Visa)	Balance Now Owed	Amt. of Monthly Pmts.
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
_______		_____________________________	$________	$________
	TOTAL MONTHLY PAYMENTS ON DEBTS			$______(E)
(F)		DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MONEY RECEIVED AND MONEY NEEDED SUBTRACT (D) FROM (C)		$________

FOR FURTHER READING

I have found almost all of these books at my local library, and many are also available at the bookstore. If you browse through your bookstore or library, you'll probably find other books equally helpful.

• For Parents
• For Children

For Parents

The Divorce Mediation Handbook. Paula James. (Jossey-Bass, 1997). If you’re interested in mediating your divorce, this book will give you a thorough overview of the mediation process, help you prepare for your first session, and help you find a mediator. I believe you’ll find it very readable as well--if I do say so myself.

Mom's House, Dad's House. Dr. Isolina Ricci. (Macmillan, 1980).

An excellent, detailed and practical guide that explains the emotions and issues of children in divorce. The author emphasizes the importance of both parents' making real homes for their children and focusing on parenting roles and their children's best interests. I wish I'd read this book 20 years ago when I was getting divorced. If you're going to read only one book on the subject, I recommend this one.

Healthy Divorce. Craig Everett and Sandra Volgy Everett. (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994). While other books listed here are strictly about helping children with divorce, this one includes helpful advice on that subject with a step-by-step examination of the entire divorce experience. The authors take us from "Early Warning Signs" through "Living in a Blended Family Network," providing an excellent guide through the emotional and legal issues of divorce and its aftermath. They strongly recommend mediation and include advice on how to make the most of the mediation experience.

Vicki Lansky's Divorce Book For Parents. Vicki Lansky. (Signet, 1996). A very readable, comprehensive book. Detailed and age-specific information about how children react to divorce and how to make it easier for them.

What Every Child Would Like Parents to Know About Divorce. Dr. Lee Salk. (Harper and Row, 1978). A psychiatrist talks to parents about the emotional issues their children encounter when the parents divorce. Quite readable. I particularly liked his chapter on "What to Tell Your Child"--excellent material to review before explaining to your children that you're divorcing.

Growing Up Divorced. Linda Francke. (Faucett, 1984). This book describes, by age-group, the emotional issues children face when their parents divorce. Since children are very adept at hiding their feelings or often don't know how to express them, this guide provides valuable advice on helping your children understand divorce.

The Nurturing Father. Kyle D. Pruett, M.D. (Little-Brown, 1988). A child psychiatrist reports on his study of families in which fathers are the primary caretakers of young children. He found these children to be emotionally healthy and even precocious and concludes that they do especially well because both parents are strongly involved with their children--probably because mothers in these circumstances are often more involved than are fathers when mothers are the primary caretakers.

The Divorced Parent. Stephanie Marston. (William Morrow and Co., Inc., 1994). I liked best the chapters on "Dealing with Difficult Exes," "Money," and "Building a Life of Your Own." Ms. Marston gives good and detailed advice on what you can do when your ex-spouse is impossible, how to handle money matters in your divorce and afterwards, and how to re-build your life after divorce.

Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade After Divorce. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. (Ticknor and Fields, 1989). The authors followed 60 families through divorce and the next ten to fifteen years to determine the long-range effects of divorce on parents and their children. The result is a disturbing look at how long the dislocation and pain of divorce can last for both adults and children--particularly if the parents don't make every effort to recover from their anger and grief, get their lives back on track, protect their children from their anger and distrust, and help their children deal with the fear, anger and confusion they experience. The authors clearly delineate the devastating effects on the children when either parent fails to stay fully involved in their lives and provide the continuing love and support they need.

Who Will Take the Children? A New Custody Option for Divorcing Mothers and Fathers. Susan Meyers and Joan Lakin. (The Bobbs- Merrill Company, Inc., 1983). If you're a mother and considering an agreement in which your children's father provides their primary care, you'll be interested in this account of other women who have made the same decision. According to the authors, the vast majority of these mothers believe they were better parents as a result of their decision and that it was best for them and their children. The authors also describe the social pressures on women making this choice and provide support for women who do.

For the Sake of the Children. Kris Kline and Stephen Pew, Ph.D. (Prima Publishing, 1992). A mother who spent years in custody litigation writes about how to avoid her mistakes. I liked the advice about how to deal civilly with your former spouse, your children's new step-parent, your old in-laws, and your own mother. Although the authors focus on special occasions such as weddings, graduations, and birthdays, they also offer practical advice on dealing day-to-day with people with whom you may be angry but must nevertheless include in the lives of your children, for their sake. Their emphasis is on not damaging, and even fostering, your children's relationship with those members of the family that you would just as soon be rid of.

Sharing the Children. Robert E. Adler, Ph.D. (Adler and Adler, 1988). Dr. Adler gives detailed and readable advice on how to work out a divorce with your spouse and build a workable relationship for co-parenting. He discusses how to handle your children's concerns, respond to your spouse's anger, manage your own fears, and cope with the legal system. A very good manual for any parent going through divorce.

Divorced Families: A Multidisciplinary Developmental View. Constance Ahrons. (Norton, 1987). The author categorizes divorcing couples in descending order as "perfect pals," "cooperative colleagues," "angry associates," and "fiery foes," with advice as to how to end up in the positive categories rather than the negative ones.

For Children

The age ranges I give for the children's books are rough guesses. I haven't had a young one in quite a few years, so your estimate will be better than mine.

Preschool-Age

The Dinosaurs Divorce. Laurene and Marc Brown. (Little Brown, 1986). My clients tell me that their kids love this book. Colorful cartoon dinosaurs address children's fears and concerns over divorce. The dinosaurs let kids know that it's O.K. to feel fear, anger, sadness and relief and that life gets better in time.

Sometimes a Family Has to Split Up. Jane Werner Watson (Crown Publishers, Inc., 1988). A well-told story with pleasant illustrations about a child whose parents quarrel and then decide to divorce. It acknowledges the child's fear and confusion, tells of his parents' reassurances, and shows how his new life unfolds.

Two Homes to Live In: A Child's Eye View of Divorce. Barbara Shook Hazen. (Human Science Press, 1978). I like this depiction of a small child's experience of divorce--the sadness, the parental reassurances, and the acceptance. Good illustrations by Peggy Luks.

Please Come Home. Doris Sanford. (Multnomeh Press, Portland, Oregon, 1985). With lovely illustrations, this slender book tells the story of Jenny, whose parents are divorcing. Her teddy bear gives her wise advice, and she recovers from her sadness. Ages four to seven.

At Daddy's on Saturdays. Linda Walvoord Girard. (Albert Whitman and Co., 1987). Katie watches her dad move out, feels sad, frightened, and finally reassured by his love, attention, and new home. A lovely book for five- to ten-year-olds.

Elementary School-Age

When Mom and Dad Divorce. Stephen L. Nickman. (Julian Messner, 1986). An excellent book on divorce for eight- to 12-year-olds. The author tells stories about children of divorcing parents and explores what they felt and how they managed.

When Your Parents Get a Divorce, a Kid's Journal. Ann Banks. (Puffin Books, 1990). This author takes the novel approach of creating a journal/notebook in which children can describe their feelings, draw pictures, and explore the dynamics of their family situation. I liked this book very much and would think a youngster would enjoy this approach. You'll need to get this one at a bookstore. Ages eight to 14.

The Facts About Divorce. Caroline Eversen Lazo. (Crestwood house, 1989). This little book can be read in less than an hour. It answers many questions children have about divorce and suggests what they can do to make the process easier on themselves. Ages ten to 15.

Everything You Need to Know About Your Parents' Divorce. Linda Carlson Johnson. (The Rosen Publishing Group, 1993). A simple and easy-to-read explanation of divorce--what it means and how it affects children. Ages ten to 13.

Preteen and Teenage

The Kids' Book of Divorce. The Unit at the Fayerweather Street School. (The Lewis Publishing Co., 1981). A great introduction to divorce, written by children of divorced families. Twenty kids, age 11 to 14, speak to their peers about divorce--what it means, how it feels, what you can and can't do about it. I liked this one best because it's probably the most approachable for kids this age.

How It Feels When Parents Divorce. Jill Krementz. (Knopf, 1984).

Nineteen children, ages seven to 17, tell their stories. The kids talk about how it feels when parents fight and when they don't see one of their parents enough, and what it's like to have two homes, step-parents and new siblings. While they talk frankly about the pain of divorce, they also talk about the good points--seeing more of their fathers than before, no longer witnessing their parents fights, finding their parents more relaxed and fun to be with, and the pleasure of having new step- or half-siblings.

Your child will probably be reassured to hear that other children have been through the same experience and adapted successfully to their parents' separation and divorce. It's also a good book to read yourself because it gives valuable insight into what children of divorcing parents feel, what matters to them and what does not.

It's Not The End Of The World. Judy Blume. (Dell, 1972). If you're already a Judy Blume fan, you'll be glad to know that she's written this one on divorce. We empathize with 12-year-old Karen Newman as she struggles with the confusion and anxiety caused by her parents' divorce. After several months of coming to terms with new family relationships, she accepts her new life and ends with, "I had a B+ day today." Probably best for upper elementary and junior high kids.

The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce. Richard Gardner. (Bantam Books, 1970). This is a very popular book with youngsters. The author, a child psychiatrist, talks frankly to youngsters about divorce--their and their parents' anger, how to tell whether parents love them, what it feels like when Dad doesn't show up on time or mother starts dating, and what they can and cannot do to make their situations better. The author even gives good advice on how to live with step-parents. An excellent guide for children eight to 13.

How to Get It Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart. (McKay Company, 1976). Though a bit dated when it talks about legal matters, this book is refreshingly clear and direct without being condescending. It covers the emotional, logistical and legal problems that both kids and their parents are likely to experience in divorce. It also suggests how adolescents can make their transition easier and lists sources for help. The author covers, very matter-of-factly, some of the reasons why parents divorce, from drifting apart to other romantic interests to homosexuality. I think the author's candid approach does a lot to demystify divorce for young people. Probably best for kids 14 and up.

Surviving Your Parents' Divorce. Charles Boeckman. (Franklin Watts, 1980). An easy-to-read explanation of what divorce is all about, what a teen-ager can expect, and how to cope. It also covers step-families. Probably best for ages 13 to 16.

Coping When Your Family Falls Apart. Dianna Daniels Booher. (Julian Messner, 1979). The author covers the emotional game-playing that parents and children often engage in during the divorce, the emotions the youngster is likely to feel, coping devices, legal terminology, and step-families. A good explanation for the teenager.