How Do I Tell My Children?

This is often the most agonizing part of the divorce--helping your children through this transition in a manner that gives the least pain and the best chance of healing.

I went through a divorce myself many years ago, with a 4-year-old child, and I know how much parents worry about how the divorce will affect their children and how to make it easier.

First, check out the Reading List under Helpful Tools. I read all these books and wrote up a brief summary of each for my clients. I'm hoping you'll find something there that appeals to you and read it through. These books REALLY ARE HELPFUL. They explain what your children are experiencing and how to address their fears. The list also includes books for the children themselves.

If you're seeing a therapist, ask for his/her advice about your children.

In the meanwhile, these guidelines apply:

• Assure the children that the divorce is because of a problem between the parents and not because of the children, that the children are in no way responsible for their divorce, and that both parents still love them and will continue to do so.
• Do not discuss your marital disputes with your children or even in their presence. If you're angry with your spouse, it may be difficult to be sure that you don't discuss him or her around the kids, but it's very important that the children not overhear your angry or disparaging comments about their other parent, as it is confusing and damaging to them.
• Do not send messages to the other parent through your children. They should not be used as messengers; it makes them very uncomfortable.
• Do not quiz your children about private business in the other parent's household. They often feel like spies when they're asked to report on the other parent's activities.

If you and your spouse can sit down together to tell the children about the divorce, that’s great. I recommend that you both consult with a therapist about how this talk with the children should go.